Once Upon a Time . . .

Once upon a time there was a rich and powerful king who had an uncommonly hideous daughter (but she had a wonderful personality!). The king was rather partial to his cups, which explains a lot about the queen, and didn't notice that his only offspring was less than lovely, being that he remained continually drunk until she was sixteen.

Terribly lonely and lacking suitors, the young princess hit upon a plan. First, she watered down her father's wine until he grew sober in spite of himself. He looked at his sole heiress and cried out "aaaaiiiiii!!"

When he had gotten hold of himself she sobbed to him, "Oh, Father! Help me! For I have been turned into a hideous ogre by an evil witch and only a kiss -- a really, really passionate kiss -- from a man of courage and true heart can turn me back to my own true form."

The king cried out, "oh! My poor child! We can't have this! Send out a proclamation that whomesoever can undo this curse visited upon my daughter shall have her hand in marriage and half my kingdom! Gods, I need a drink!"

So they sent out a proclamation and young men came from far and wide to try to save the princess and win her hand. None of them ever succeeded, of course, but the princess got a lot of action and eventually married a very nice, very nearsighted poet who believed that she had a beautiful soul.

The king remained cheerfully intoxicated for the rest of his life. The women of the kingdom discovered the fashion possibilities of warts and arm flaps and they all lived happily ever after.

The end!